"...but you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you." (Acts 1:8)
Sometimes I relate to Lazarus; I've been given a fresh start, a do-over in Christ.
Sometimes I experience the Spirit's presence so closely that all I can do is weep.
Sometimes I feel dead inside, like the white-washed tombs of a pharisee. Or dead to feelings of romance, like my heart has lost its ability to give itself to another besides Jesus. Is this bad? Am I being unfair to those in my life that want more than I am able to give relationally? Do I just stop dating, shut down eHarmony, and walk away? Is the "more" that Abba has for me not include a significant other? Why can't I feel those feelings?
A double-minded man is unstable in all his ways, but what if all my ways are not unstable? ... double-minded... I find myself in some weird, personal form of spiritual bipolarity? What is up with that?
I yearn for transformational power from on High.
I yearn for resurrection power, in me; through me.
I don't want to do anything that would compromise my intimacy with Jesus... so does this make me a monk? I'm ok with that, Abba, if that's what is best...
I also don't want to be a dead man walking, either.
What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?
Thanks be to God-- through Jesus Christ our Lord.
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